The cocktail you couldn't mix

It's funny, isn't it, how your friends never seem to get on well together? Let me introduce you to some of mine. They're nice people, all of them, but put them in a room together and the silence is shattering. I just don't understand it. I should have known they wouldn't get on, though, from their drinking habits.

Retired Colonel, William Smythe-Johnson, MBE: double gins at his club with just a dash of tonic and a slice of lemon, claret at dinner and brandy, French cognac, after dinner always has a cup of tea at four o'clock sharp.

His wife, Wilhelmina: dry martini most of the time, champagne cocktail, when entertaining - vintage champagne.

Will Smythe, bank manager: scotch and bourbon, usually with ice, occasionally soda, mainly at home goes mad with duty-free schnapps after annual skiing holiday, German light white wine with clients, sometimes treats himself to a glass of port after dinner.

His wife, Helen: Bacardi or other white rums with various mixers, most often Coke; insists on a glass of medium dry sherry before evening meal; they share freshly ground coffee (never instant) at breakfast and offer the children pure, natural, unsweetened, nothing-added whole fruit juice.

W. P. Smytheson, university professor: a teetotaller - greatest love (after books) a cup of cocoa or drinking chocolate in the comfort of his rooms; drinks mineral water at the functions he has to attend.

Helena Johnson, fashion designer: occasionally a few vodkas in the lounge; bar vermouth - Cinzano, Dubonnet, etc. - at home enjoys a good sparkling wine as an aperitif.

Willy Johns, one of my best friends, a teacher: Guinness (draught, not bottled) in the saloon bar; a lot of orange squash after cross-country runs with the boys.

Billy Johns, unemployed at the moment: either lager in the saloon bar or rough cider in the public bar; has had to cut down on drinking lately.

Bill Smith, labourer: drinks mild (dark beer) or bitter (brown beer) in the public bar; if he's won on the horses, he'll have a bottle of light ale and whisky.

His wife, Minny: drinks milk stout, which makes her quite tipsy, or - less often - shandy (beer and lemonade), which doesn't; keeps an undrinkable blackcurrant cordial (she calls it a liqueur) for when visitors come - visitors don't come very often.

 Speaking

Discuss the answers to these questions:

1. What do you think a typical evening meal would be for each of the people in the text about drinking habits?

2. How serious would you say alcoholism is in your country and/or any other countries you have visited?